I don't remember. Are we still dating?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
