Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My vagina is officially offended.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
