Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
