you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize