So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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