who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
