you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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