At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
