I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
false alarm, still single
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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