my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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