Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize