mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
