I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize