I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
