He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
