He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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