you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
