you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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