It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
