well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
