Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
