all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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