Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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