My sheets look like a crime scene.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
