you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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