I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
