I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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