so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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