I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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