Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
