she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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