Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Randomize
