my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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