I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
