I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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