well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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