I want to make a zoo with you.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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