I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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