I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
