I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
