I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
