At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
