She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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