I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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