i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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