i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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