He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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