Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
