I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
