I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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