Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just pee around me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
