I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dear god my vagina.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
