i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
