Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
