An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
