the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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