currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
