I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
