Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
