you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
